Weekend happenings...

This weekend we spent much of our time with my good friend Sarah and her son Eric Charles.  Saturday morning we headed off to West End Creamery to let the kids jump on what look like GIANT air mattresses! The place didn't open til 12, and we arrived at 11.  Thankfully we packed a picnic lunch and just ate on one of their picnic tables.  It was so nice to be out in the nice cool fresh air! The hour passed and we were able to go jump. Since Sarah can't go on them I was chosen to be the best candidate seeing as there were no other adults :).  Savannah loved it as long as she was lying down or holding onto me in some capacity.  Eric only wanted to be on them if I was holding him, if not he was yelling "I all done!".  That didn't last long with either of the kids, so it was off to see the farm animals.  The kids had a great time there, so we continued our fun by going off to Barnes and Nobles to get a warm beverage from Starbucks and check out some books. 
(If you were wondering where Sydney was in these pics, she wasn't there.  She got to spend some quality time with Grammy and Grampy by herself!)
Sunday after church we met up Sarah, Eric, Eric Charles, Grammy and Grampy to go apple picking.   We had a great time and got lots of apples.  They weren't the best looking due to hurricane Irene, but they will be perfect for baking!  We got some great pics in the beautiful outdoors!  Xavier's first time apple picking too and he got to eat an apple! :)

ready to jump



Running with Savannah and Eric



resting :)

checking out the barnyard animals

they were fighting over who was going to push Xavier :)

such a good big sister!

Xavier doesn't seem to sure about all this!

Caught her eating again!

my actress/model

<3 Loves of my life <3

Me and my little man!

The girls with Grammy and Grampy

YUMMY!

Uncle Eric with Savannah and Eric Charles

Checking out the cows and horses.  Savannah loves cows lately!

Xavier wearing Uncle Eric's hat to keep the sun off of his face :)

Someday I will get them all looking AND smiling at the camera?!?!!?

Savannah looks very irritated at Xavier :)

First Foods

Today Xavier turned 7 months old!  What a joy and a blessing he has been!  He is just one giant smile all day! :)  I am amazed by his progress he has made just in the past 2 months!  Typically I would have started him on table food at 6 months old, but because of slight delays with health issues I held him off the progressing food process I have for my kids for 1 months.  Typically I would do cereal at 3 months, veggies at 4 months, fruits at 5 months and table food at 6 months.  It has been funny to watch him "eat" the baby biscuits.  And when I mean eat, I mean eat.  He is not the typical baby who sucks on a biscuit and it gets all nasty and one giant mess, no no, not at all!  Xavier will take the biscuit put it in his mouth and take a bit and start to chew and then swallow like that's what he's been doing for years.  Therefore, today when I gave him food I didn't cut it up.  I handed him a 3rd of a banana and let him take bites.  He loved it!  After he finished the banana, I gave him some pizza~what we were having for lunch. He just loves food~his bottles are a different story :( 
His 7 month old stats are as follows:  weight 16 lbs 15 oz, 27 3/4" long, diaper size 2, clothes 3-6 months, and he is able to sit up from 30 seconds to 1 minute, he rolls everywhere, no teeth, needs a hair cut :), size 2 shoe, 3 naps a day, sleeps 8-12 hours a night, has 3 bottles a day with 7 oz in each, eats cereal and 1 stage 2 jar of fruit for breakfast, and 2 stage 2 jars of veggies at dinner, smiles all day long!



First bite

"What mom, I got this, no problem!" :)

The happiest little boy~even when eating! :)  <3

Had to add~so we never forget~the nicknames:  ZayZay, ZayZer, little Darth Vader, buddy, and of course Xman. 

Love you with all our <3 Xavier Liam!

It's a WONDERFUL life! :)

I found this quote and I thought it was perfect (not completely Biblically sound, but you get the point):
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
— Marilyn Monroe
I want to start this blog post by saying how WONDERFUL my life is!  Surprised I said that?  No I don't have the picture perfect family (but now a days who does?), I don't have the house with the white picket fence (but I'm only 29), and I don't have a huge bank account (also, in this economy, the average family doesn't either).  Yes, it would be nice to have those things, and make my life easier. I am not putting those people down who do have those things, but right now, God decided that I should not have those things because he is using this as a tool to teach me~dependence on the Lord for EVERYTHING!  God has provided the funds for us to have a place to live, food, clothes, my children's health, and so much more.  Through the difficult times God has been my rock, the one I have learned to depend, trust, and rely on for our every need. I can honestly say that I have a wonderful life with my children!  I love my life and wouldn't change anything that happened to me and my family in the past 7 months.  God did and continues to do some molding and shaping of my life. My happiness isn't dependant on money, job status, material possessions, marital status, or how many friends I have.  My happiness is in the Lord, and I am who I am today because of what He has done in me.  My happiness is the gift of looking into my children's beautiful faces everyday knowing God gave me them to raise! 
For some reason people feel as though they have the God given right to criticize me and slander me just because of my circumstances.  First of all I would like to point out that in both of my circumstances earlier this year, I did not choose either one of them.  According to some individuals who enjoy discussing my life and all of my situations (who may I point out claim to be Christians yet refuse to stop gossiping about me as I have asked them to do) they have determined that "I am a very screwed up person" because of the past events in my life.  I would like to clarify....yes, my marriage ended up being screwed up (by no fault of my own~completely his selfish/sinful choice), but my children and the life I have with them now, not the normal, but in no way screwed up!  Those of you who know the true, and real me know that I long for that "normal life" which is in God's timing.
It continues to blow my mind how people can sit back and judge and throw comments out there at me~but of course not at my face~but gossip about me to someone else.  I would never wish what I went through on even on those who throw these comments out at me. But if YOU had to go through your spouse walking away from you and your children as well as sit by your child who was fighting for their life while your other children have to be taken care of friends/family for 44 days~handling BOTH at the SAME time~would you be able to have handled everything any better???  Not saying I managed everything perfectly, nor did/said everything in the manner I should have, but after only 7 months passing, I think mentally, emotionally, and spiritually I came through these trials pretty darn good!  It's easy to sit back and make comments when your life is going "perfectly" (or so you think). But I dare people out there to ask God to stretch them, to grow them in their walk, and see what God does in your life.  Until you experience great trials, pardon my language, but SHUT UP! You are ultimately the one(s) who will get hurt in the end.  When you claim to be a Christian yet talk down upon someone non stop, do you realize how that makes YOU look not only to other believers but to non-believers?!? Some testimony (or testifony) you are!
I do apologize for all the negative blogs lately....just my way of dealing with the negative comments.  Basically write it and forget it~it's over and done with now~I can move on. Happier blogs to come....wonderful things are happening with our family of 4....the journey continues! :)

His journey never ends

Tonight as I prepared all of Xavier's medical records to give to the pediatrician tomorrow for his late 6 month check up, I re-read the paper I recently received in the mail from Boston Children's Hospital from the day he was evaluated.  I briefly skimmed it prior to tonight because I was right there involved in his check up that day.  I assumed that it wasn't going to say anything different or new than I had heard that day on August 15th.  To my surprise, and I was extremely surprised and shocked, to read that during the echocardiogram they had found Xavier to have BAV (bicommissural (bicuspid) aortic valve).  NEVER was it mentioned to me in the 4 echocardiograms he had at Pittsburgh Children's Hospital nor was it mentioned after his sedated hour and a half long echocardiogram done at Boston Children's Hospital.  How, after all of these cardiologist look at these tests either not see it and when they do fail to mention this VERY important information about my son who has CHD and labeled "failure to thrive"?  My heart breaks for my little guy!  There can possibly be more wrong with his heart?!?!  I am fully aware that there are children out there with more severe heart issues as well as other issues, so I try to keep things into perspective.  But honestly, does it ever end with him, does it ever end in my family!?!?! 
I have been doing some research of my own to figure exactly what BAV is and what exactly this means for Xavier.  One article of research stated "Individuals with BAV should be carefully monitored for evidence of aortic dilatation and valvular dysfunction."  How can the cardiologist at BCH tell me that Xavier doesn't need to be seen for a full year?!?!  I am extremely thankful that tomorrow Xavier will be seen by his new pediatrician and I will get to speak to them more extensively about what this all means for Xavier.  In the mean time I did find a medical article and a picture that explains everything very well, so here is the link if you are curious: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0004578/ .
What did I do wrong in my pregnancy that didn't allow Xavier's heart to form correctly?  What could I have done differently.  Part of me thinks this is all my fault, but I know that his formation was in God's hands and he made him special for a reason.  Psalm 139:14 "I am fearfully and wonderfully made".  That is the plaque that hangs on Xavier's bedroom door.  It was given to me by my mother before he was even born! He has a wonderful testimony someday to share with others.  Maybe one day he himself will be a great cardiac surgeon or cardiac doctor!  He is such a strong fighter and amazing little boy!  I am so proud and thankful I can call him my son!  I LOVE HIM SO MUCH! 


His face brightens my day! :)



A very old saying....

I am forewarning people that this blog post may offend, but you know what~I myself am getting sick or the ridicule and flack I am receiving, so suck it up and deal because I have to! I have been going back and forth on if I should even blog lately, but this is my way of dealing and also my way of responding back to those comments of those who are afraid to come to my face and tell me what they think of me. 

You know the old saying "Your damned if you do and your damned if you don't," well that's basically how my life has been lately.  And I am not playing the "poor, pitiful, single mother card" as some people have accused me of doing~and apparently there are several.  I have realized with all that is going on in my life right now and the trials I have gone through, and continue to go through, that no matter the choice I make it is not the right one in someones eyes.  With every move I have made or every word I say there is always someone twisting my motives, or responding with a VERY hurtful comment.  I know that I am not going to please everyone all the time and no one is, but seriously~the flack that I have gotten is a little ridiculous!  So much for coming back to MA for support!  I shouldn't knock everyone in this state.  There are those, and you know who you are, that helped out and supported me and the kids TREMENDOUSLY!  You have always been there just as a listening ear, to help with the kids~especially now that my stepfather is in the hospital, for a pizza nights ;),  for even the offers to help when and if the time arises. I am realizing that's what true friends/family is all about.  Yes, there is a time to say something to someone in love, but to constantly spouting of negative and demeaning comments~there will never be time for that! No longer do I have time for those who constantly put people down, a true Christian is to build each other up, not to knock each other down to make ourselves look better. I don't have time for fake people, I am not a fake person by any means~this is why I write with all honesty on this blog. I think people are afraid to be honest because the fear is possibly offending someone.  That is probably why I get so many negative comments because I am open and honest about how I am feeling.  Therefore, in all honesty, I have never received a negative comment or negative labels until I came to MA~now they are never ending.  I have been called a "poor, pitiful, single mother, (or at least that the card I apparently play), immature, hypocrite, liar, I can't be trusted, my divorce was my fault, my kids should never turn out like me, I am using people, and the way I live shows how very little I know about the Bible.  If you are the one that have said anyone of those toward me or to me, do not be offended that I posted them....it doesn't feel very good to know that people know those things were said and came out of your mouth.  How do you think God looks at you when you put others down like that.  I am not just aiming this blog at one person, so if you think this soly about you, it's not.  There at least a handful if not more this is directed toward. 

This is not even a main reason for my desire to be back in PA.  But it makes me long to be there even more.  I want to be an independent single mom who can take care of herself and her kids all on her own.  That has been my desire from the beginning.  I know I can, I have no doubt in that.  So for people to in all honestly think I have ever tried to play the "poor pitiful single mother card"  blows my mind.  I never wanted pity from others, and when others felt sorry for me, I would respond "it's ok, it is what it is and I'm ok with it."  So even though those people were encouraging me to come back to family and kept telling me that "right now I really need family support" are the same ones who have made those previous comments.  It was not easy for me to drive away from PA~knowing that the life I built with my kids was gone, and that we would have to start a whole new life. Once again, I don't say that out of pity, because I want NONE!  I say that for those to understand that I didn't want an "easy" road by any means.  Just to let people know, this is not an "easy" road AT ALL!

There are a lot of decisions that I have to make, that are extremely important and basically now I know that I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't.  I am just praying diligently that God makes the right decisions known and I need to ignore those comments, because I know there will be many!

What I have learned~God is my focus, next is my children.  God is the one that I have to answer to and he knows my heart and my motives. 

Heartache?

Someone mentioned on my Facebook today that if being in my shoes and they saw Will during the Child Support hearing that it would have been too much of a heartache to them.  My response was that I think that's something that people can't comprehend with me. As I have discussed with a few people before~how can you possibly love someone who doesn't love your children?!?! I was in no way unhappy being married, but now that I have seen his true colors, I am thankful that I am not married to him anymore because I know that I am better off without him. I have already grown to be more independent, my relationship with God has gotten a lot stronger, I have just learned so much more about myself and about life throughout this whole experience, and have become a better mom and gotten closer to my children though everything. There is no reason for heartache, but to rejoice in what is now and what I have.
Like I have said in previous blog posts that I no longer have any feelings toward him and have moved on.  One thing that I think about, which I shouldn't really care about, the fact that I have been able to move past this so quickly and that people are going to think that I didn't really love Will or wanted to be married~which is far from the truth.  There were a select few people who knew what was going on in the beginning and until I opened up about it in the beginning of April not many people knew details.  I had been keeping all of this quiet for about 2 months and within the first 2 months fought with every ounce of my being to keep my marriage and family together.  I will not get into specific details about what exactly I did in order to save my marriage, but I do want people to know that I did and would have done what most people would not have ever done to save their marriage and what people thought I was crazy for even offering to do.  If you know me, I do not give up without a fight!  I was fighting not only for myself, but fighting for my children.  I never wanted them to come from a broken home and honestly never in a million years ever thought they would.  Divorce was NEVER in my vocabulary and NEVER saw it as an option, no matter what! Not only was I dealing with Xavier and helping fight for his life, but I was also fighting for my marriage and my family from a hospital room.  I was in fight mode and wasn't going to give up~I fought and won for my sons life, and lost my marriage and "normal" family life.  It was a tough road that not many people got to see, so I ask that as I move forward in my life that people not judge me and tell me how they think I should live and when they think I should or should not be moving on. 
I am pleased that others have been able to gain from my life's journey through this difficult time. I have had several people thank me for being an encouragement, an inspiration,  a reminder to them about their own walk with the Lord, and/or their own marriages. God allows these horrible things to happen and in the end He still wins! I may not have "won" in the worlds eyes, but in my eyes God and I both won~I guess God more so than me ;-)

She did it!

Can't believe not long after my last post Savannah did it, she peed on the potty!!!!  19 months and 13 days old and went potty!  You go girl!!!! :)  Mommy was so happy! I think having an older sibling definitely helps!

Gotta keep this blog clean :P Had to sensor.