A very old saying....

I am forewarning people that this blog post may offend, but you know what~I myself am getting sick or the ridicule and flack I am receiving, so suck it up and deal because I have to! I have been going back and forth on if I should even blog lately, but this is my way of dealing and also my way of responding back to those comments of those who are afraid to come to my face and tell me what they think of me. 

You know the old saying "Your damned if you do and your damned if you don't," well that's basically how my life has been lately.  And I am not playing the "poor, pitiful, single mother card" as some people have accused me of doing~and apparently there are several.  I have realized with all that is going on in my life right now and the trials I have gone through, and continue to go through, that no matter the choice I make it is not the right one in someones eyes.  With every move I have made or every word I say there is always someone twisting my motives, or responding with a VERY hurtful comment.  I know that I am not going to please everyone all the time and no one is, but seriously~the flack that I have gotten is a little ridiculous!  So much for coming back to MA for support!  I shouldn't knock everyone in this state.  There are those, and you know who you are, that helped out and supported me and the kids TREMENDOUSLY!  You have always been there just as a listening ear, to help with the kids~especially now that my stepfather is in the hospital, for a pizza nights ;),  for even the offers to help when and if the time arises. I am realizing that's what true friends/family is all about.  Yes, there is a time to say something to someone in love, but to constantly spouting of negative and demeaning comments~there will never be time for that! No longer do I have time for those who constantly put people down, a true Christian is to build each other up, not to knock each other down to make ourselves look better. I don't have time for fake people, I am not a fake person by any means~this is why I write with all honesty on this blog. I think people are afraid to be honest because the fear is possibly offending someone.  That is probably why I get so many negative comments because I am open and honest about how I am feeling.  Therefore, in all honesty, I have never received a negative comment or negative labels until I came to MA~now they are never ending.  I have been called a "poor, pitiful, single mother, (or at least that the card I apparently play), immature, hypocrite, liar, I can't be trusted, my divorce was my fault, my kids should never turn out like me, I am using people, and the way I live shows how very little I know about the Bible.  If you are the one that have said anyone of those toward me or to me, do not be offended that I posted them....it doesn't feel very good to know that people know those things were said and came out of your mouth.  How do you think God looks at you when you put others down like that.  I am not just aiming this blog at one person, so if you think this soly about you, it's not.  There at least a handful if not more this is directed toward. 

This is not even a main reason for my desire to be back in PA.  But it makes me long to be there even more.  I want to be an independent single mom who can take care of herself and her kids all on her own.  That has been my desire from the beginning.  I know I can, I have no doubt in that.  So for people to in all honestly think I have ever tried to play the "poor pitiful single mother card"  blows my mind.  I never wanted pity from others, and when others felt sorry for me, I would respond "it's ok, it is what it is and I'm ok with it."  So even though those people were encouraging me to come back to family and kept telling me that "right now I really need family support" are the same ones who have made those previous comments.  It was not easy for me to drive away from PA~knowing that the life I built with my kids was gone, and that we would have to start a whole new life. Once again, I don't say that out of pity, because I want NONE!  I say that for those to understand that I didn't want an "easy" road by any means.  Just to let people know, this is not an "easy" road AT ALL!

There are a lot of decisions that I have to make, that are extremely important and basically now I know that I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't.  I am just praying diligently that God makes the right decisions known and I need to ignore those comments, because I know there will be many!

What I have learned~God is my focus, next is my children.  God is the one that I have to answer to and he knows my heart and my motives. 

Heartache?

Someone mentioned on my Facebook today that if being in my shoes and they saw Will during the Child Support hearing that it would have been too much of a heartache to them.  My response was that I think that's something that people can't comprehend with me. As I have discussed with a few people before~how can you possibly love someone who doesn't love your children?!?! I was in no way unhappy being married, but now that I have seen his true colors, I am thankful that I am not married to him anymore because I know that I am better off without him. I have already grown to be more independent, my relationship with God has gotten a lot stronger, I have just learned so much more about myself and about life throughout this whole experience, and have become a better mom and gotten closer to my children though everything. There is no reason for heartache, but to rejoice in what is now and what I have.
Like I have said in previous blog posts that I no longer have any feelings toward him and have moved on.  One thing that I think about, which I shouldn't really care about, the fact that I have been able to move past this so quickly and that people are going to think that I didn't really love Will or wanted to be married~which is far from the truth.  There were a select few people who knew what was going on in the beginning and until I opened up about it in the beginning of April not many people knew details.  I had been keeping all of this quiet for about 2 months and within the first 2 months fought with every ounce of my being to keep my marriage and family together.  I will not get into specific details about what exactly I did in order to save my marriage, but I do want people to know that I did and would have done what most people would not have ever done to save their marriage and what people thought I was crazy for even offering to do.  If you know me, I do not give up without a fight!  I was fighting not only for myself, but fighting for my children.  I never wanted them to come from a broken home and honestly never in a million years ever thought they would.  Divorce was NEVER in my vocabulary and NEVER saw it as an option, no matter what! Not only was I dealing with Xavier and helping fight for his life, but I was also fighting for my marriage and my family from a hospital room.  I was in fight mode and wasn't going to give up~I fought and won for my sons life, and lost my marriage and "normal" family life.  It was a tough road that not many people got to see, so I ask that as I move forward in my life that people not judge me and tell me how they think I should live and when they think I should or should not be moving on. 
I am pleased that others have been able to gain from my life's journey through this difficult time. I have had several people thank me for being an encouragement, an inspiration,  a reminder to them about their own walk with the Lord, and/or their own marriages. God allows these horrible things to happen and in the end He still wins! I may not have "won" in the worlds eyes, but in my eyes God and I both won~I guess God more so than me ;-)

She did it!

Can't believe not long after my last post Savannah did it, she peed on the potty!!!!  19 months and 13 days old and went potty!  You go girl!!!! :)  Mommy was so happy! I think having an older sibling definitely helps!

Gotta keep this blog clean :P Had to sensor.

Potty break

Savannah has shown great interest in going potty the past 2 months.  She will come to me and tell me when her diaper is wet and when it's dirty which is a sign she is ready to start potty training.  The problem is time on my part~dedicating a week to staying home and focusing my time on potty training her.  I will attempt to try it when I come back from PA next week.  Pray this goes smoothly and I will only be down to one child in diapers.  It's not even the fact that I have to buy diapers, because I don't, we have about 20 packages of diapers.  It would just be nice to not have to worry about changing diapers for 2 children.  She has yet to actually go on the potty, but at least right now she is interested.  She is only 19 months old so I'm not going to push it if she is not truly ready.  Sydney was potty trained completely by 2 1/2 and never had an accident even at night! Hoping and praying Savannah will be just as easy ;)

"cheese"

she's so proud of herself

The trio painting

Figured it was time to bust out the paints~the organic ones~just love them!  I was daring and painted with all 3 together.  Of course this took some preplanning on my part~prep the tubbies so I could throw them in after painting, and of course who goes in first because I can't quite leave Xavier in the tub by himself while getting the other two.  No wonder why I never sleep~always preplanning and trying to stay one step ahead of the kiddos. 
Xavier wasn't quite into it this time, well, he wasn't into it at all last time either.  I tried him sitting up this time, but will start having him paint while doing tummy time to strengthen those back muscles.  He wasn't sure what to make of the paint at first, very curious of the texture. 
Sydney and Savannah used paint brushes to paint.  Sydney whipped through 3 papers while Savannah slowly took her time painting her beautiful work.  Savannah would get a little upset when she got paint on her hands, but quickly got over it.  Sydney will talk me through every step of her art work~what she is painting, what she will do next, what colors she would like for each part and on and on :)

he's thinking...."this is interesting..."

enjoying some painting time

taking her time

he's still not sure about this stuff

Just needed his binky, now he's into it.

The Trio!

Not thrilled she has paint on her hands.

What a shocker~he's happy :)

Bouncy~Bouncy

I just began putting Xavier in the bouncer~the first day I tried it he spent an hour in there, he just absolutely loves it!  I love it because he has a great time and it's strengthening his leg muscles.   He has definitely got the hang of how to bounce himself as well as turn himself all about to play with all the toys.  I love watching him grow up, but so sad that he isn't my little baby anymore! :(

happy man :)

Throwing himself all about bouncing in there!

Songs

During the time I spent with Xavier in the hospital I used music to express how I was feeling with the different emotions that I was feeling at the time. There are 3 songs that have so much meaning to me, and still to this day I love listening to them and of course love to sing to~and there actually was a point where I was sprawled out on the hospital floor singing "It is well".  A nurse came in to check to see if I was alright and then just laughed at me. :)  It was definitely one of my ways of coping through the whole ordeal.  These songs have so much meaning to me and I know I have posted them through Facebook before, but I thought I would share with those who do not have Facebook and as well for me to remember one day looking back.  It is nice to have them all in one spot to remember. 
The song "It is well"  was actually the song we sang the Sunday at church prior to Xavier going into the hospital.  At that point Will had already left, but who knew things could get worse and it had to be "well with my soul".  I cried that Sunday as we sang that song knowing that God would get me through and it would be "well with my soul" but that it would just take time.  I can listen and sing that song finally without tears because God has made everything "well with my soul". 
The song "Blessings" still brings tears to my eyes when I hear it. It was and still is a comforting song to know that we will all go through trials, but God is always there. Some of my favorite lines and truths to remember:  "Trails of this life are your mercies in disguise", "You hear our desperate plea as long as we have faith to believe." My absolute favorite line of the song "pain reminds our heart that this is not our home"  Wonderful reminder that although we may suffer here on earth we will no longer suffer in heaven. This life is only temporary.
The song "I will survive" is my upbeat song to know that in the end I will still survive.  It might not seem that to be true in the moment, but we all go through trials and survive.  Most of the time we change and grow through those trials, and I know I definitely have in so many areas.  This is a song that has always been one of my favorites~it has great memories to it from work at BH :) This actually became my ring tone on my phone and makes me smile every time someone calls.  :)
Overall, these are just great songs whenever you are going through a trial!
It is well~Kutless
Blessings~Laura Story
I will survive~Gloria Gaynor