A very old saying....

I am forewarning people that this blog post may offend, but you know what~I myself am getting sick or the ridicule and flack I am receiving, so suck it up and deal because I have to! I have been going back and forth on if I should even blog lately, but this is my way of dealing and also my way of responding back to those comments of those who are afraid to come to my face and tell me what they think of me. 

You know the old saying "Your damned if you do and your damned if you don't," well that's basically how my life has been lately.  And I am not playing the "poor, pitiful, single mother card" as some people have accused me of doing~and apparently there are several.  I have realized with all that is going on in my life right now and the trials I have gone through, and continue to go through, that no matter the choice I make it is not the right one in someones eyes.  With every move I have made or every word I say there is always someone twisting my motives, or responding with a VERY hurtful comment.  I know that I am not going to please everyone all the time and no one is, but seriously~the flack that I have gotten is a little ridiculous!  So much for coming back to MA for support!  I shouldn't knock everyone in this state.  There are those, and you know who you are, that helped out and supported me and the kids TREMENDOUSLY!  You have always been there just as a listening ear, to help with the kids~especially now that my stepfather is in the hospital, for a pizza nights ;),  for even the offers to help when and if the time arises. I am realizing that's what true friends/family is all about.  Yes, there is a time to say something to someone in love, but to constantly spouting of negative and demeaning comments~there will never be time for that! No longer do I have time for those who constantly put people down, a true Christian is to build each other up, not to knock each other down to make ourselves look better. I don't have time for fake people, I am not a fake person by any means~this is why I write with all honesty on this blog. I think people are afraid to be honest because the fear is possibly offending someone.  That is probably why I get so many negative comments because I am open and honest about how I am feeling.  Therefore, in all honesty, I have never received a negative comment or negative labels until I came to MA~now they are never ending.  I have been called a "poor, pitiful, single mother, (or at least that the card I apparently play), immature, hypocrite, liar, I can't be trusted, my divorce was my fault, my kids should never turn out like me, I am using people, and the way I live shows how very little I know about the Bible.  If you are the one that have said anyone of those toward me or to me, do not be offended that I posted them....it doesn't feel very good to know that people know those things were said and came out of your mouth.  How do you think God looks at you when you put others down like that.  I am not just aiming this blog at one person, so if you think this soly about you, it's not.  There at least a handful if not more this is directed toward. 

This is not even a main reason for my desire to be back in PA.  But it makes me long to be there even more.  I want to be an independent single mom who can take care of herself and her kids all on her own.  That has been my desire from the beginning.  I know I can, I have no doubt in that.  So for people to in all honestly think I have ever tried to play the "poor pitiful single mother card"  blows my mind.  I never wanted pity from others, and when others felt sorry for me, I would respond "it's ok, it is what it is and I'm ok with it."  So even though those people were encouraging me to come back to family and kept telling me that "right now I really need family support" are the same ones who have made those previous comments.  It was not easy for me to drive away from PA~knowing that the life I built with my kids was gone, and that we would have to start a whole new life. Once again, I don't say that out of pity, because I want NONE!  I say that for those to understand that I didn't want an "easy" road by any means.  Just to let people know, this is not an "easy" road AT ALL!

There are a lot of decisions that I have to make, that are extremely important and basically now I know that I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't.  I am just praying diligently that God makes the right decisions known and I need to ignore those comments, because I know there will be many!

What I have learned~God is my focus, next is my children.  God is the one that I have to answer to and he knows my heart and my motives. 

Heartache?

Someone mentioned on my Facebook today that if being in my shoes and they saw Will during the Child Support hearing that it would have been too much of a heartache to them.  My response was that I think that's something that people can't comprehend with me. As I have discussed with a few people before~how can you possibly love someone who doesn't love your children?!?! I was in no way unhappy being married, but now that I have seen his true colors, I am thankful that I am not married to him anymore because I know that I am better off without him. I have already grown to be more independent, my relationship with God has gotten a lot stronger, I have just learned so much more about myself and about life throughout this whole experience, and have become a better mom and gotten closer to my children though everything. There is no reason for heartache, but to rejoice in what is now and what I have.
Like I have said in previous blog posts that I no longer have any feelings toward him and have moved on.  One thing that I think about, which I shouldn't really care about, the fact that I have been able to move past this so quickly and that people are going to think that I didn't really love Will or wanted to be married~which is far from the truth.  There were a select few people who knew what was going on in the beginning and until I opened up about it in the beginning of April not many people knew details.  I had been keeping all of this quiet for about 2 months and within the first 2 months fought with every ounce of my being to keep my marriage and family together.  I will not get into specific details about what exactly I did in order to save my marriage, but I do want people to know that I did and would have done what most people would not have ever done to save their marriage and what people thought I was crazy for even offering to do.  If you know me, I do not give up without a fight!  I was fighting not only for myself, but fighting for my children.  I never wanted them to come from a broken home and honestly never in a million years ever thought they would.  Divorce was NEVER in my vocabulary and NEVER saw it as an option, no matter what! Not only was I dealing with Xavier and helping fight for his life, but I was also fighting for my marriage and my family from a hospital room.  I was in fight mode and wasn't going to give up~I fought and won for my sons life, and lost my marriage and "normal" family life.  It was a tough road that not many people got to see, so I ask that as I move forward in my life that people not judge me and tell me how they think I should live and when they think I should or should not be moving on. 
I am pleased that others have been able to gain from my life's journey through this difficult time. I have had several people thank me for being an encouragement, an inspiration,  a reminder to them about their own walk with the Lord, and/or their own marriages. God allows these horrible things to happen and in the end He still wins! I may not have "won" in the worlds eyes, but in my eyes God and I both won~I guess God more so than me ;-)

She did it!

Can't believe not long after my last post Savannah did it, she peed on the potty!!!!  19 months and 13 days old and went potty!  You go girl!!!! :)  Mommy was so happy! I think having an older sibling definitely helps!

Gotta keep this blog clean :P Had to sensor.