Time Out

Sydney was playing school in the living room with Xavier and her stuffed animals. She was doing circle time and was reading everyone a story when Xavier was acting up and kicking his friends that were around him~he does like to kick lately especially in his play gym. Sydney asked him nicely to stop kicking his friends and if he didn't he would be put into a time out.  Well, unfortunately Xavier didn't listen and this is what happened:

Sydney picked him up from his play gym.

She brought him over to the chair and put him in his bumbo seat for his timeout

she buckled him up so he couldn't get out of his time out which she told him would last 7 minutes.  I thought it was 1 minute per year of age, at his age he should only be there for 40 seconds not 7 minutes! :)

Sydney gave him a lecture about kicking

Clearly he is upset that he is in timeout :)

Ephesians 4: 29- 5:2

Today this following verse was read in the beginning of church and it had an impact on me:
Ephesians 3: 29- 5-2
"Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.  Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.  Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.  Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other just as God in Christ also forgiven you.  Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma."
I find myself at the point in my life, in my situation with Will, where this verse hits home.  I think I have completed the grieving process and need to now focus on God, my family, and my wonderful future and no longer do I need to have feelings like the verse talks about of bitterness, wrath, anger, malice, etc.. I don't feel the need or desire to speak anything "unwholesome" about him to others, nor even think those things in my head.  I am saddened by the last 7 years of my life being a lie, but it happened, and now the time has come to move forward.  Nothing good will ever come of me putting him down by calling him names to others, to him, or even in my own head.  The situation is very sad, but no longer is it my sad situation by his sad situation.  I'm relying on God to get me and my children through, and he needs to turn to God to get him out! He is ultimately in God's hands now and I can wash my hands of him.  As I have stated before, we do pray for him daily, and that is usually the only mention of him in our house. 
The memories of him are slowly drifting away for both Sydney and I.  I think if she mentioned him and remembered things about him she would be saddened.  I am thankful she is not saddened daily and that she is handling what I consider "the loss" of her father incredibly well!  You can tell she has compassion for him and wants to see him change his ways.  She loved The Grinch movie this past Christmas, so she will tell me that "Daddy has the heart like the Grinch, it's really small and it needs to get bigger".  It amazes me the way she processes things and thinks about the situation.  Last Sunday was Father's Day and as the custody agreement states that Will has visitations on Sundays from 3-8.  He came at 3:30 and left them at 6. This was the first time the girls saw him in 12 weeks, and Xavier 12 1/2 weeks.  The girls had fun playing at the playground and eating at Wendy's, but when we came home Sydney said to me "Mommy, when are we getting a new Daddy?"  I'm not quite sure what had been going through her mind at the time?  I wonder if she sees him as a playmate and wants a Daddy who is there for her 24/7 because she enjoys having that male role model/male figure in her life, just my opinion as to why she would make that statement after spending 2.5 hours with him.  I can only tell her that "he will always be her Daddy because God gave her to both Mommy and Daddy when we were married, but we can pray that God puts another man in Mommy's life that I can marry and that will always live with us and be like a Daddy to you." Like I said, she is doing a great job handling and processing all of this information.  I try to be open and as honest and give her age appropriate answers without EVER bad mouthing him to her and trying to keep the Ephesians verse in my mind. It is a little difficult at times like today when he had those visitation rights from 3-8 and never showed.  My heart breaks for my kids, but yet in a way think that out of sight, out of mind might be better at this point.  We only have 3 more Sundays here in PA, and one of them we will be in eastern PA for.  All that is left are 2 visitations~praying for what God thinks is best for the children.  God is their Heavenly Father and he will never leave them nor forsake them!  What a great reminder to us all!

Sleepover

Thursday night my niece Josette slept over!  The girls got the living room all set up for their slumber party.  They set out the blankets, pillows, snacks, toys, and movies all picked out.  They jumped into their jammies and ready for a good time.  I was hoping this good time would end around 11 with Sydney...and Josette around 12.  Both did fall asleep, Sydney by 10:45 and Josette by 11:15~for some reason both were awake again at 12:30!!!!! Around 2 a.m. they came up to my room~where I was still awake and asked if they could play polly pockets, and of course I told them they were nuts : P  and that they needed to lay down and try to go back to sleep, they could watch tv, but had to lay down.  I feel asleep somewhere around 4 and hoped they would crash, but apparently they didn't til somewhere around 6!  I came downstairs and they were both passed out!  Sydney pulled her first almost all nighter!  She made up for it the next night and slept for 15 hours!  They had a good time though and weren't grouchy the next day at all, so I was happy, tired, but happy :)

Finally passed out!

Josette out cold too....Savannah was so confused~her and Xavier were the only ones that got sleep!

Just relaxing

I was cleaning up after dinner one evening this week and I turn around in the dinning room and find Savannah chilling out in the bouncy seat just tapping her feet away.  She loves sitting in there as well as the swing.  She still makes the weight limit, so I'm not too concerned about her breaking them.  Please excuse the attire or lack there of on her.  It was after dinner and I took her clothes off after to get ready for tubbies.  

First Painting

Tuesday I had Xavier paint for the first time!  He is just like his sister Savannah who hated the first time she painted too, whereas Sydney enjoyed it and kept her head up out of the paint.   Maybe we will try feet painting next time because he really gets his feet going like he is running!
Enjoy the pics....well, the view of the top of his head :)

He clearly was not into this!

Face plant right into the paint! Don't worry~it's organic paint and all made with food!

The intention was to help with tummy time~clearly didn't work.

Yeah, very ticked off at Mommy for making him do that :)
I had each of the kids paint starting at 4 months old....it was just his time :)

New Toy

Xavier is holding his head up really well now and reaching for toys so it was time to get him into his exersaucer to play.  He is still so tiny so I had to put a towel in front of him to help him stay up.  He stayed in the exersaucer for quite a bit of time without fussing.  He was reaching for the toys and just checking them all out.  His feet don't quite reach the bottom yet, but they will in time! :)

He looks a little frightened of Bard the dragon.

He's giving him "those eyes" :)

:)

Can't get enough of that smile which lights up his whole face!!!!

4 months~cereal

Xavier is already 4 months old as of June 10th.  Although with everything he has been through it feels like he should be 8 months old already!  But I am not rushing him growing up!  I love my little baby boy!!  He is such a wonderful blessing and joy that has been added to our family!  The girls absolutely love him and he constantly smiles and talks and giggles to them.  Savannah gets a huge smile on her face when she sees him and runs to him waving and says "Hi Zazer"~I just love the bond they have!  Sydney of course is the "little Mommy" as she calls herself and is a huge help.  She loves being "in charge" of little things with Xavier.

Xavier is growing longer and chunkier. At his 4 month visit he was 11 lbs. 14 oz and 25 inches long!  He has grown 4 lbs. and 4 inches since birth! Quite the accomplishment considering all he has been through!  He has struggled with more in his 4 months than others do in their lifetime! His smile just melts my heart and makes everything all worth it! 

He still eats every 4 hours and 5 oz at a time~doesn't always finish the 5 oz, but most of it. Xavier does wake up most nights still, but goes right back to sleep.  He goes down for the night same time as the girls~between 7:30-8 and wakes between 2am and 4am. Most nights are a good 6-8 hour stretch of sleep followed by a bottle and then 4 more hours. I am not going to train him to sleep through the night yet like I would with a typical child, because he still needs to eat as much as possible.  He has started on cereal!  At first he did not care for it, but now has really taken to it.  His pediatrician told me as long as he does well on his cereal I can start him on fruits and veggies.  I am going to hold off on that until he is 5 months old.

I just love my little man so much!!!! So thankful that I get to watch him grow up to be an amazing young man!  Looking forward to him saying "MAMA" for the first time!!!  I just think I might cry when he does!

YOU ARE LOVED BY SO MANY XAVIER!!!! 

I love this smile on him...just wish the picture wasn't blury :(



another smile...he must know he is getting something better than a bottle~maybe pizza :)



first reaction...wasn't a fan of it at first

not sure what to do with it now....

thinking "it's not that bad"

already opening up his mouth for it

getting use to the taste

Sydney got to help...Xavier was helping guide her a little

now he's just laughing at her~ haha :)

I gave Xavier the spoon to see what he will do, and he knew exactly where to put it.  He tried, opened his mouth and worked with his fine motor skills to get it in his mouth.

He did it!

Spring/Summer Days.

Last Wednesday it was nearly 100 degrees outside so we spent the day playing in the pool, water table, painting, riding bikes, eating freeze pops, and just enjoying our time outside.  I can't imagine working full time and missing out on all these memories with my little ones~I just love being a stay at home mom!!!  I am looking forward to all our memories together as they grow!  Here are just a few...

Body painting seemed more fun!

Even Sydney enjoyed painting her sister.

My little Darth Vader

Gotta stay hydrated!

Even the little man joined us for a swim and then play time in his ocean.

Look, no hands!

Cutie

Little Ham



Sardines



So serious

<3

Prayer List

One item can FINALLY be crossed off the prayer list I have made:  THE CUSTODY PAPERS ARE SIGNED!!!!!!  WOOOHOOO!!!  Praise the Lord!!!! Thank you everyone who have been diligently praying for this as well as all the other requests.  I know soon enough I will be able to cross other requests off that prayer list.

Electricity

Well, it all began on a chilly spring day...Sydney was playing outside with her friend Kylie while I watched from my porch and Savannah and Xavier slept peacefully in the house. When Sydney and Kylie wandered into the neighbors front yard which is allowed~as they are allowed to play in the neighborhood as long as I can see them (also ok with the neighbors).   These neighbors slack on cutting the grass, so it is quite long, long enough for things to be unseen.  Sydney and Kylie bent down to look at something in the grass and Sydney just happened to kneel where there were live wires sticking up from the ground~they must have been from a lamp post that was pulled out. When all of a sudden Sydney screams like I have never heard her scream before, and Kylie backs away like she is going to get into trouble and kept saying "I didn't do it".  Sydney starts walking toward me trying to get words out and can't.   At first I thought a bee had stung her, because that was how she was describing it.  Then I saw her leg and was confused. I knew it wasn't dirt, and more than  a sting or a bite....then Kylie's Dad came over to check the area. People were flocking out of their houses, that's how loud she screamed to see what was going on. They found the wires and found a bucket to put over them so no one else would go near them.  I am not good in these situations and thankfully Kylie's mom was there to talk me through what to do and even what to say to the doctor.   I washed her leg off with soap and water to see what exactly had been burnt. Kylie's mom stayed with Xavier and Savannah and I took  Sydney off to the ER.

Sydney seemed to be in shock from the incident.  She wasn't talking much, not even really crying, just sitting.  Which if you know Sydney, that is not her at all!  We registered her in at the ER and then awaited the doctor.  We finally got called in about an hour and a half after we arrived. They did an EKG, took a urine sample, took 6 viles of blood, and kept her on the monitor~her blood oxygen level, heart rate, and respiratory rate.  Her heart rate was a little on the high side, but they said she should be alright.   She did such a great job, much better than I expected her to!   All her tests came back normal and she was released! 

The police and firemen were there at the house when I pulled up.  A police report was filed and because the renters of the home were not home they weren't able to turn off the electricity to those wires.  They will be back in the morning to chat with the renters in that house. 

I am just so very thankful that Sydney is alright!  This could have been a lot worse, and I don't know how I could have dealt with that!  God still wants me to have her, and as she says, she is the "little mommy" and tries to help so much!  She is just so sweet, has her moments like all kids, but she has a serving heart!

This is what Sydney's leg looked like minutes after it happened.  Before I cleaned it I figured I would take this picture for insurance purposes not just for scrapbooking as it will come in hand for that though :)




Hooked up to the monitors~brings back not too distant memories I thought I would never have to see for a while.  They were checking her heart rater because it was a little high.





It's official...

Well, after the news I was given last night about the poor or should I say sinful choices Will has made recently I have decided it was time to take off my wedding rings.  I was wearing his wedding band that he had taken off February 22nd and handed to me February 27th (keep in mind Xavier was born February 10th).  I had told him that I was going to keep them on until our divorce was final because they were a sign of the marriage covenant we made to each other and we were still married, but I just can't keep them on anymore!  The constant pain and reminder of what those rings mean and how he's not living up to his vows that he made to me 7 years ago just hurt too much.  I can't keep up the lie that we are somehow still married, I refuse to live that lie anymore. It was a difficult decision to make because I didn't think it was right to do until the day the divorce was finalized, but it was something I had to do as the next step to move forward.  In the state of PA they have a 90 "cooling off period" so no one can get a divorce before the 90 day period. The papers can be signed anytime after June 28th to make our divorce final.  As much as I never wanted this divorce, never even had that word in my vocabulary for us, I can't wait for that day to come to wipe my hands of this whole mess and officially begin a wonderful new life!

Time to vent.....

~First of all, I am going to begin by saying that if you have a problem or disagree with what I write on my blog please stop reading! This is my way of dealing with everything that I am going through in my life right now.  Everything I write on here I write in truth and with the intentions that my children would be able to read someday and therefore never write anything I wouldn't want them to know. If writing is my way of dealing with everything then I think I am doing a very good job!  I can't believe I have to say this but walk a mile in my shoes and deal with everything I have been dealt with in the past 6 months and then tell me how to write my blog.  I am trusting and relying on God to get me through this but I am able to share with everyone my trials and struggles and how God is carrying me through them and how he is working in my life and my feeling and reactions through it all.

It's been a great week yet such a horrible week all at the same time!  I am making so many new wonderful memories with my children and enjoying them so much everyday!  Every smile, every laugh, every hug and kiss, every "I love you", every hand I hold, every special moments, every new discovery, every new milestone I get to experience with them I no longer take for granted.  My greatest desire is that they grow up knowing God and seeking that personal relationship with him, and therefore want them to grow up knowing what is honoring to God and what is not.  Savannah is now learning how to pray and is sitting still with hands folded long enough for us to pray as a family every night.  Sydney is getting more comfortable with praying and learning that there's not a certain way to pray, that it's just a conversation between her and God.  She prays for her Daddy every night that God helps him make good choices and that he come to visit her.  Unfortunately I just received word today that more poor decisions were made on his part that will impact my children for the rest of their lives.  This is the part where a great week with my wonderful children is impacted.  Constant bad or disappointing news turns my mood and the kids are impacted. Dealing with this news I was just dealt and then the hearing for child support did not go as we had all prayed it would.  He unfortunately did not show~somehow that is acceptable for Domestic Relations but in the real world others would say differently.  A settlement was made, but an unacceptable one therefore we will head back in the beginning of August.  I don't think I should fight for my three children to be financially taken care of by the one person out of the two of their parents that is capable of working.  Due to Xavier's health issues I am unable to work, not to mention the plan of me being a stay at home mom with them is still my desire and the courts will take that into account as the plan for our children and their mother before things "hit the fan" for a lack of better words (seeing it is 1 a.m.). 

I have several prayer requests for those who still are praying for my children and I:
*Custody papers get signed so we can begin our new life in MA.
*A place to live in MA
*Furniture gets sold
*Will gets a job to pay acceptable child support for my 3 children
*My children deal with transition to MA easily
*Xavier's health issues~doctor appointment tomorrow.  I took a video for them to view his breathing while he is sleeping so they can determine what the cause of it is.
*The process for getting the kids health insurance in MA is easy and quick.
*My eyes are continually focused on God and not my situations for I know God has control.
*My anger to be taken away~although can I claim it as righteous anger?
*Finances, bills be paid somehow

Praises:
*We still have a home to live in and aren't on the streets
*We have plenty of food to eat
*We are all currently healthy~except for the obvious health issues with Xavier
*Xavier has a nurse 6 days a week whom we really like!
*Play dates and friends!
*Air conditioning!!!!!!!
*God is carrying me through because I couldn't do this without him.