Living in Limbo

I am feeling like I am living in limbo.  I have no idea what one day from the next will hold.  I don't even know if I will be able to spend the whole day at home or be told to go to Pittsburgh therefore everything has to be always caught up with and organized~laundry, dishes, cleaning etc. etc.  I wish I could just pick up and leave right now to MA because emotionally living here is becoming very difficult, but where exactly I will be living there in MA is also in limbo.  My life right now depends totally on God, I have to trust and rely on him every step of my way throughout the day!

The moving process.....well, I am basically selling, throwing away, donating, consigning everything I own but my clothes, scrapbooking stuff and the kids stuff.  Everything else must go~for several reasons.  I would need to get an 18 wheeler to move everything, because we got the largest moving truck last time and everything still didn't fit and I have gained 2 more children and had gotten so many large outdoor toys since we now have a backyard.  There are too many memories in everything in the house, I need a fresh start!  Who knows, my future husband may have everything already! :)  The process of weeding through everything is difficult.  Not only because of the emotional aspect and knowing I am cleansing myself from my past, but just the fact of trying to do all of this with 3 children around!  Sydney asked me today why we are getting rid of things that she wanted me to keep such as Snoopy movies and books, and I tried to explain to her that seeing those things made me think of Daddy and I get sad when I think of him because I didn't want him to leave us.  She told me that she didn't want him to leave either.  :(  I am glad that I can communicate things with her on some level and she somewhat understands.  She was alright with that answer and didn't ask again to keep those items.

I took some time this evening to go back and reread my blog from the beginning and I just cried.  I know it hasn't been that long since Xavier's surgery, but it seems like months already!  Looking back, God must have really held onto me tight, because even now looking back I don't even know how I held it together so well.  It's crazy that how when your in the moment you are just numb to what's going on and have to push on because you just have to.  Knowing that any moment God could have taken my precious boy from me and didn't~God spared me even more grief and pain, maybe that wold have been my breaking point and God didn't want to push me that far.  God won't allow us to go through more than we can handle. 

It has been a little discouraging this week as Xavier's weight went below 10 lbs :(  He weighed in at 9 lbs. 15 oz. at the doctors on Tuesday.  He was all the way up to 10 lbs. 5 oz the Thursday prior.  I was shocked that they didn't tell me to head down to CHP!  Instead they just changed his reflux meds~which I am not sure how that is suppose to keep vomit down?!?! He is being closely watched though and getting weighed 4 times a week!  Xavier now has a shift nurse come take care of him everyday but Saturday for a few hours.  I am able to leave him home with her or take her with me where ever I go.  Today was her first day with Xavier.  She came to swim lessons with us, it was nice to have that extra set of hands to handle him!  She is actually a nurse so she is able to assess him for signs of breathing difficulties as well as many other things. Please pray for the little guy though. I would love to see him thrive off of all the meds and know he can thrive on his own. BCH did receive his records but have yet to receive his echo cardiogram, so I will be talking with them in the next few days to get their take on all that has gone on.