My turn?

Sitting in one tiny room for weeks on end gives you a ridiculous amount of time to think.  Even though I have company there are those times where I am alone with my thoughts.  I try not to be, I try to keep busy either on the computer or reading the Bible or praying.  Reading and praying have been the key in keeping me going, when I am saddened or frustrated or feel hurt, it's those times when I know I need to seek God the most.  He is there to comfort me, to sustain me, and to carry my burdens. 

This morning has been a little difficult just in the fact that I have to sit here and watch Xavier still go through more pain, but good pain.  He had his IV access needle taken out from his neck which was kept in his neck by stitches, his drainage tube which was also held in by stitches and the two wires for his pace maker that were in his abdomen.  All of those were pulled within the hour.  He wasn't given any pain meds other than Tylenol to deal with this pain. I just felt helpless.  It was as though every time someone touched him they were doing something to cause him pain.  I just wanted everyone to back away!  After he calmed down and fell asleep I just sat and wanted to cry, thinking to myself, is it my turn to cry yet?!?!  Our journey here is almost over, and in a way makes me a little sad.  As much as I want to get out of here and get my girls back and be a family again, there is comfort in knowing the doctors are only a buzz away and all the nurses are right outside my door.  I won't have that at home~very scary.

Knowing also reality of my new life is waiting for me at home.  The constant reminder everyday when I look at my children that I am now a single mom with so much responsibilities!  It's not that I can't do it, because I know I am strong, and I just have to and want to because my children deserve that!  They deserve nothing but the best, and I have to step up to the plate and be the best I can as 2 parents wrapped into 1.  I love my children with all my heart and am doing my best to not have them deeply affected by what has been thrown at us the past couple months and the months to come.

I am still going through the grieving process and just need to find the time when I can have my turn to cry.   I am trying to learn that crying doesn't make me weak by any means, it's just a natural healing process I have to go through. The Bible even says that "Jesus wept" (John 11:35). That verse refers to Martha and Mary who were displaying little faith~makes me think also how much more so He is weeping at Will because he turned his back on Him!  If I am hurting this much, how much more so is God hurting! 

I know I will have my week moments and feel horrible and want to just curl up and cry all day long.  If you come into contact with me on one of those days I do apologize ahead of time.  I will get through this with the help of God, my children, family (even my in-laws :P), friends, my amazing church family, and people I don't even know!  Words can't even begin to describe how thankful I am to EVERYONE in my life who have gone above and beyond what you could ever imagine!  I am sooooo blessed!  It's times like these when your eyes are opened to what love truly means, what serving is all about, and the true and wonderful power of prayer!